Just some quick thoughts tonight- It’s late and I am so sleepy but I logged on specifically for this (maybe I'll add pictures later):
Today I am grateful for:
1) Fields of mist rising up to meet the sunshine. Glistening, shrouded in mystery, beautiful and peaceful.
2) Quick-enough reflexes and good brakes to avoid the 18-wheeler that decided it wanted to be where I already was
3) Someone at work whose wife has both the achalasia and the pain issues I have. I get advice from him on what has worked for her AND it’s validation that I am NOT crazy (even if it’s all in my head-chemistry, I mean)
4) People who use their turn signals
5) My boss needing the travel arrangements I made for him last night changed twice this morning in the space of 30 minutes (He felt bad about it but it really wasn’t hard- calls to the company to cancel and a quick new booking through the online travel system, easy-peasy)
6) Independent, strong minded, wonderful children named Caitlynn and Brandon
7) Hot pizza on a lazy evening
8) Coven friends to share a laugh and a meal with, even if we never accomplish what was on our agenda this evening.
9) Dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming.
10) A coffee pot ready to start itself tomorrow morning.
August 11, 2010
August 10, 2010
Gratitude Journal- 8/10/10
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| Yup, me again. Glasses and coffee. By Vincent James Pia |
2) Jeff Bridges- what an awesome actor!!! So freakin’ awesome! And he’s got some seriously great hair!
3) Cohen Brothers movies
4) Taking action to fix things
5) A small patch of clean siding appearing after just a few minutes of work in the wonderful rain
6) Coffee all day long at the push of a button
7) Oh wait- mustn’t forget about Kevin Spacey. My god!
8) Oh hell, the whole cast of The Men who Stared at Goats.
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| Terrible Paint at Slopey Rock, Tarrywile |
NOW, WHERE ARE MY CUPCAKES?
August 9, 2010
Gratitude Journal- 8/9/10
1) I had a smooth ride to work this morning- green light after green light or short waits when I had to stop.
2) Anticipating what my boss would need before he even realized it- I started comprehensive org charts last week, reflecting our individual location structures and open positions. He came to me this afternoon asking for something like that and I was able to hand him the first packet immediately. In fact, it had just come off the printer.
3) Red lights on the drive home- I use them to dust and clean the dashboard and center console of the car! The car is still a wreck BUT not from my view anymore while driving :)
4) A delicious dinner from my gourmet chef of a husband. Greek chicken, tender and tasty. Bulgur wheat with feta cheese. Mmmm.
5) Cuddles and kisses on my son’s soft and kissable cheeks when he went to bed. I was so angry with him earlier so it was nice to talk about it, come to some agreements and just show some love.
6) Boston Cream cake for dessert
7) The heavy drowsiness my medicine is making me feel while my body still adjusts. Based on my usual experience with anti depressant type medications, I was expecting a few weeks of insomnia. Instead, I am ready for bed with 20-30 minutes after taking the pill and I SLEEP! Finally! I will never underestimate how important sleep is to me.
8) Silly conversations on the ride home with Vin. He is so funny and I love how he makes me laugh.
9) Relaxing on the couch and deciding that as much as I want to get the house clean, one more night “off” will not be the end of the world.
10) Reminding myself of all the many things, from tiny to huge to immeasurable, that I have to be grateful about.
2) Anticipating what my boss would need before he even realized it- I started comprehensive org charts last week, reflecting our individual location structures and open positions. He came to me this afternoon asking for something like that and I was able to hand him the first packet immediately. In fact, it had just come off the printer.
3) Red lights on the drive home- I use them to dust and clean the dashboard and center console of the car! The car is still a wreck BUT not from my view anymore while driving :)
4) A delicious dinner from my gourmet chef of a husband. Greek chicken, tender and tasty. Bulgur wheat with feta cheese. Mmmm.
5) Cuddles and kisses on my son’s soft and kissable cheeks when he went to bed. I was so angry with him earlier so it was nice to talk about it, come to some agreements and just show some love.
6) Boston Cream cake for dessert
7) The heavy drowsiness my medicine is making me feel while my body still adjusts. Based on my usual experience with anti depressant type medications, I was expecting a few weeks of insomnia. Instead, I am ready for bed with 20-30 minutes after taking the pill and I SLEEP! Finally! I will never underestimate how important sleep is to me.
8) Silly conversations on the ride home with Vin. He is so funny and I love how he makes me laugh.
9) Relaxing on the couch and deciding that as much as I want to get the house clean, one more night “off” will not be the end of the world.
10) Reminding myself of all the many things, from tiny to huge to immeasurable, that I have to be grateful about.
August 8, 2010
Gratitude Journal- 8/8/10
1) 722 acres of beauty, 21 miles of trails, the sounds of the wind rustling the green leaves, the bleat of a fawn trying to nurse from a doe, birds of all feathers singing their songs and a few moments of serenity.
2) Laundry done for the week- still to be folded but thankfully clean and dry!
3) A delicious venison steak for dinner (the irony after today’s deer watching is not lost on me) courtesy of the household’s gourmet chef, my husband.
4) Cute puppy running after the kids and giving kisses.
5) My new medicine for which I hold a lot of hope.
6) Red wine in my favorite glass, reminding me to relax, enjoy and Believe!
7) Football on television. Don’t really care about either of the teams today but there is something nice about the sounds and I love to watch the plays from both sides. Plus, they just showed the new Vice President of Officiating. Isn’t that an awesome job title?!
8) Anticipation of re-starting FlyLady habits tomorrow, after a tough couple of weeks. And NOT going it alone but asking for help and divvying up tasks. A clean house is so much more comfortable.
9) A reduced-pain kind of day. That is currently cause enough for joy.
10) Knowing that even when I want to be alone and can’t be, or really need to be with someone who cares, or just want to have a laugh, there are good people on the other side of a mouse click.
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| Photo by Vincent James Pia http://www.vincentjamespia.com/ |
2) Laundry done for the week- still to be folded but thankfully clean and dry!
3) A delicious venison steak for dinner (the irony after today’s deer watching is not lost on me) courtesy of the household’s gourmet chef, my husband.
 |
| Photo by Vincent James Pia http://www.vincentjamespia.com/ |
5) My new medicine for which I hold a lot of hope.
6) Red wine in my favorite glass, reminding me to relax, enjoy and Believe!
7) Football on television. Don’t really care about either of the teams today but there is something nice about the sounds and I love to watch the plays from both sides. Plus, they just showed the new Vice President of Officiating. Isn’t that an awesome job title?!
8) Anticipation of re-starting FlyLady habits tomorrow, after a tough couple of weeks. And NOT going it alone but asking for help and divvying up tasks. A clean house is so much more comfortable.
9) A reduced-pain kind of day. That is currently cause enough for joy.
10) Knowing that even when I want to be alone and can’t be, or really need to be with someone who cares, or just want to have a laugh, there are good people on the other side of a mouse click.
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| Photo by Vincent James Pia http://www.vincentjamespia.com/ |
August 7, 2010
Gratitude Journal- 8/7/10
Getting back into an old, healthy habit. When I remember what I have to be grateful for, I feel happier and less stressed. So each day I will post ten things I am grateful for. Consider this my 365 day project. 365 days of gratitude...
Today I am grateful for:
1) Tomorrow is Sunday. That gives me a day before work to clean, do laundry and try to prepare for the week ahead. Sometimes it’s nice to know that when your “to do” list rarely shrinks, you have another day to accomplish something.
2) My son has a smile that lights up his whole face when something makes him happy or amuses him. It makes me smile in return.
3) My home. It definitely needs work, decluttering and updating but is large enough for us, has a place to garden should we choose to and is a place I could be proud of if I put some effort in.
4) My daughter is growing to be a kind and intelligent young lady and I enjoy her company. She kind of “gets me” and in all is a sweetheart.
5) My job has been fantastic. I work with great people and am always challenged. Plus I get to challenge others too.
6) Fun hats- I like hats, I really do. And sometimes I look good in them too!
7) Laughter- I love to laugh. It makes me feel removed from my stress. Even when I’m very mad with Vin, he can make me laugh. Comedies are my favorite movie genre. Friends who make me smile are who I choose to surround myself with.
8) Coffee- yup, enough said! (I treated myself to an “oh so unhealthy” breve last night. Heaven!)
9) Getting my writing self into gear again and being determined to take it as far as I can!
10) I believe I have a very talented husband. He amazes me with the variety of mediums he works in. I am very proud of him and love his work! This month he has a photography solo art exhibit in a virtual format at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101910793199805 . His full gallery sets can be found at http://www.vincentjamespia.com/
Today I am grateful for:
1) Tomorrow is Sunday. That gives me a day before work to clean, do laundry and try to prepare for the week ahead. Sometimes it’s nice to know that when your “to do” list rarely shrinks, you have another day to accomplish something.
3) My home. It definitely needs work, decluttering and updating but is large enough for us, has a place to garden should we choose to and is a place I could be proud of if I put some effort in.
5) My job has been fantastic. I work with great people and am always challenged. Plus I get to challenge others too.
6) Fun hats- I like hats, I really do. And sometimes I look good in them too!
7) Laughter- I love to laugh. It makes me feel removed from my stress. Even when I’m very mad with Vin, he can make me laugh. Comedies are my favorite movie genre. Friends who make me smile are who I choose to surround myself with.
8) Coffee- yup, enough said! (I treated myself to an “oh so unhealthy” breve last night. Heaven!)
9) Getting my writing self into gear again and being determined to take it as far as I can!
10) I believe I have a very talented husband. He amazes me with the variety of mediums he works in. I am very proud of him and love his work! This month he has a photography solo art exhibit in a virtual format at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101910793199805 . His full gallery sets can be found at http://www.vincentjamespia.com/
August 7th, 2010
Yesterday I was poked, prodded, electrically shocked and stuck with needles. The neurologist was testing my nerve responses for indication of any damage or pinching that could explain the recent increase in my pain issues and the development of a burning feeling in my hands and feet. He found nothing.
Next stop… brain MRI. It really could be ALL in my head! If he still finds nothing (please refrain from all small or no brain jokes, please) then he passes me along to a rheumatologist and an infectious disease specialist to look at potential autoimmune disorders or viruses. I fit many disease profiles; we have ruled out Lyme and RA, now we have to narrow the field further.
I really like this doctor. He took the time to explain things to me- from the way the tests work to what my options are regardless of what this turns out to be. He openly stated that these other possibilities were not his field and that the other doctors would be better equipped for the next steps should the MRI come out clean. HOWEVER, he discussed his thoughts- I have Epstein Barr virus in my system, which has some recognized link to people developing Chronic Pain Syndrome. My history of painful flares, though never previously on par with my current issues, and fatigue also are good indicators.
CPS is both physiological and psychological. The physical pain feeds mental pain, which feeds physical pain. The doctor has told me that if this is the final diagnosis I would need to take a holistic approach to manage it. I would need to exercise despite the fact that it hurts to move. I would need to do some sort of physical therapy to encourage proper muscle movements and stretches. I would benefit from psychotherapy to deal with my responses to the pain and the way in which pain affects my life as a whole. Massage to relieve tension and stress. Then medication to deal with bad flare-ups and/or inflammation.
I am still hoping that we find some stupid thing causing this that can be fixed permanently. Sadly, as I spoke with the doctor I came to understand that based on my full history and timeline it is far more likely I have some sort of chronic issue and I am just in a bad flare up now. Since I have no real say about it, I guess I am okay with that. I am not okay however with continuing how I am feeling. It is really messing with my brain and my functional abilities. I mean, aching joints are one thing. But feeling like my hands and feet are on fire? Random numbness and sharp pain? Dropping things frequently, having no energy or desire? I am SO not okay with that.
So as I await all of my complete workups (always hoping for the “easy” diagnosis) I am committing to myself that I will do everything I can to manage this starting now. I will not consider a massage a luxury- I will go back to getting them monthly and recognize that it is for my own well-being. I will still enjoy my food but will work towards eating healthier overall- fruits, veggies and the like. I will reduce my intake of sugar and caffeine (reduce, mind you, not eliminate these favorite things). I will take my vitamins every day. I will begin to exercise, slowly at first so that I can ease into it. I will lose weight to put less strain on my body. I will work to reduce stress and I will ask for help doing it. I will take better care of me.
The doctor has given me amitriptylin to help reduce my headaches and potentially lift my mood. It’s an anti-depressant and as we see how I react to it for the head, we may continue to up the dose to a mentally therapeutic level since I am currently unmedicated. As I read the literature, I find it nice to know that if I respond well to it, it is rather a one-stop shop. The drug is used for depression, for sleep assistance, for headaches and for chronic pain issues. That is kind of the big 4 for me, all feeding off each other.
I’m cranky, I hurt and I want to curl up into a little ball and sleep, hiding from the entire world. Only now I see a little light in the tunnel ahead of me. And that IS okay!
Next stop… brain MRI. It really could be ALL in my head! If he still finds nothing (please refrain from all small or no brain jokes, please) then he passes me along to a rheumatologist and an infectious disease specialist to look at potential autoimmune disorders or viruses. I fit many disease profiles; we have ruled out Lyme and RA, now we have to narrow the field further.
I really like this doctor. He took the time to explain things to me- from the way the tests work to what my options are regardless of what this turns out to be. He openly stated that these other possibilities were not his field and that the other doctors would be better equipped for the next steps should the MRI come out clean. HOWEVER, he discussed his thoughts- I have Epstein Barr virus in my system, which has some recognized link to people developing Chronic Pain Syndrome. My history of painful flares, though never previously on par with my current issues, and fatigue also are good indicators.
CPS is both physiological and psychological. The physical pain feeds mental pain, which feeds physical pain. The doctor has told me that if this is the final diagnosis I would need to take a holistic approach to manage it. I would need to exercise despite the fact that it hurts to move. I would need to do some sort of physical therapy to encourage proper muscle movements and stretches. I would benefit from psychotherapy to deal with my responses to the pain and the way in which pain affects my life as a whole. Massage to relieve tension and stress. Then medication to deal with bad flare-ups and/or inflammation.
I am still hoping that we find some stupid thing causing this that can be fixed permanently. Sadly, as I spoke with the doctor I came to understand that based on my full history and timeline it is far more likely I have some sort of chronic issue and I am just in a bad flare up now. Since I have no real say about it, I guess I am okay with that. I am not okay however with continuing how I am feeling. It is really messing with my brain and my functional abilities. I mean, aching joints are one thing. But feeling like my hands and feet are on fire? Random numbness and sharp pain? Dropping things frequently, having no energy or desire? I am SO not okay with that.
So as I await all of my complete workups (always hoping for the “easy” diagnosis) I am committing to myself that I will do everything I can to manage this starting now. I will not consider a massage a luxury- I will go back to getting them monthly and recognize that it is for my own well-being. I will still enjoy my food but will work towards eating healthier overall- fruits, veggies and the like. I will reduce my intake of sugar and caffeine (reduce, mind you, not eliminate these favorite things). I will take my vitamins every day. I will begin to exercise, slowly at first so that I can ease into it. I will lose weight to put less strain on my body. I will work to reduce stress and I will ask for help doing it. I will take better care of me.
The doctor has given me amitriptylin to help reduce my headaches and potentially lift my mood. It’s an anti-depressant and as we see how I react to it for the head, we may continue to up the dose to a mentally therapeutic level since I am currently unmedicated. As I read the literature, I find it nice to know that if I respond well to it, it is rather a one-stop shop. The drug is used for depression, for sleep assistance, for headaches and for chronic pain issues. That is kind of the big 4 for me, all feeding off each other.
I’m cranky, I hurt and I want to curl up into a little ball and sleep, hiding from the entire world. Only now I see a little light in the tunnel ahead of me. And that IS okay!
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