I am sitting here at my computer, sluggish, uninterested in everything. I am attempting to stir myself into action so I can feel something other than gray. A sense of accomplishment would be nice as would a sense of peace or joy or even just contentment. I'd take any of these. Instead I just sit here.
It's been a very long week. I am very stressed out and work has been beyond hectic. I feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. Vin was very sick for most of the time and I was worried about him and worried that the kids would get it. I would rush home after work, try to throw together some sort of dinner and then crash, exhausted. So around me, the house has deteriorated and now looks like it was ransacked and the thief decided to eat our food and leave the dishes too.
This weekend I NEED to get this house clean, and get the animals' homes freshened and start selling stuff online and log on to catch up on work. I need to get some decent coffee in the house. I need to prep clothes and school stuff for the week ahead. I WANT to write because we are a full week into January and I haven't even started when I had promised myself I would do some every day. I want to go to the library and trade in the pile of stuff here for a new pile of stuff. I want to read and pamper myself and just give myself the break I deserve. I want to not feel guilty for taking care of me and I want the family to want me to do it even if it means they don't get my focus.
But I still sit here in front of the computer trying to make any sort of a move. I have a nasty headache and feel the irritability that usually marks a swing from depressed to manic or the reverse. Since I'd say I am currently depressed, I am almost hoping I am right and the mania begins. Because then I usually manage to accomplish something (strange- all the trouble it caused me when I was younger as I self-destructed in tune with my flying thoughts... now when redirected at household maintenance it's a benefit? Well, except for the nasty anger I feel bubbling up at times and can't always contain. Yes, I become snarky as hell.) Even so, I am currently in a no-man's land of inertia and discontent.
Of all the obstacles that fall in my path and all the ones I put there myself, I think it's this feeling that is the worst and most difficult to overcome. So here I sit.
